Chronicles

I am thankful:

1.     I have been reading so many excellent books.

2.    My Mom got her storage building.

3.    My Mom was able to get great shelves to go in the building because I called and found them and I negotiated a 10% discount on them from Lowes.

4.    I found so many pair of jeans and pants in storage at my present size that I will not have to buy more.

5.    Hope and I have been walking most days.

6.    I got a haircut at Fantastic Sam’s last week.

7.    The dental clinic called and I got part of my cleaning done and will get the rest done before the end of December.

8.    I have been sleeping well with no nightmares.

9.    Alex is doing well and still thinking he may come home soon.

10.  We have heat for the cold days and nights.

I am thankful…

1.     I had Hope groomed yesterday.

2.    Mom has been home this week.

3.    I bought Under The Dome by Stephen King.

4.    One of the ladies in Journal Writing told me about GoodReads. I am keeping a list of what I am reading on the site.

5.    We ate at Zaxby’s Monday night and it was very good.

6.    Mom is going to get her storage building.

7.    I am reading some very good books.

8.    I am able to wear smaller clothes again.

9.    I am keeping my food journal up to date.

10.  Alex emailed me Tuesday night.

11.  Ko-Ko is healing well.

12.  It was beautiful today and Hope and I walked.

Thursday, we took Ko-Ko to be spayed early in the morning. We ate breakfast at IHOP. Then we went by Sam's Club and Wal-Mart. We went home and then came back to town to get Ko-Ko. She was whiney all evening. Jeremy called and Mom told him about the storage building. Alex emailed me. I watched The Vampire Diaries and Supernatural.

Friday, Mom blew some leaves and I measured possible locations for the storage building. Ko-Ko was feeling much better. I read and computed a good bit. Mom watched wrestling.

Saturday, I blew leaves and cleaned my bathroom. Jeremy came by and looked at the locations we were considering for the storage building. Mom spent the night with June at her new apartment. I stayed up late reading and computing.

Sunday, Mom came home at about 11:00 in the morning. My sister-in-law, Linda visited. I read and computed.

Monday, we took three pair of Mom's pants to be hemmed. Both Mom and I are short enough we either have to have a lot of things hemmed or roll up the legs. I read and computed. I watched Heroes and Trauma.

Tuesday, I washed four loads of clothes. It rained all day so Hope and I were not able to walk. I read and computed.

Today, we took Hope to Pet Set to have her groomed. We went to the chiropractor and were adjusted. We went by the Post Office and dropped off two bills to go on to their destinations. We stopped by Pet Co, I went in, bought Potty Mouth for all the dogs so that Ko-Ko does not eat their poop, and Joint Support III for Hope and Penny. We went to Texaco and I pumped gas into the Explorer. We went to the place that has storage buildings; I went in and put down Mom's $100.00 deposit on the building she wants. We stopped at the Flowers Bakery Store and picked up some treats. We went by the library, but they were closed for the holiday. We stopped by Wal-Mart and they did not have what I wanted for the price I wanted. We went to Sam's Club and I bought Under The Dome by Stephen King and Mom bought a gallon of milk. We went back and picked Hope up minus all her body hair. When we got home we ate treats for lunch. Hope and I walked even though it was damp outside. I read and computed. I watched Mercy.

That about does it for now.

Always,

Jo Ann

Creative Journal – Entry Thirty – Siblings
Tuesday, November 10, 2009

My siblings were both so much older than I that we were not really ever close. My Mom tells me that I was close to my brother, James, when I was very young. I do not remember much of that time. James was fourteen and Melvin was twelve when I was born. By the time I really remember much about my brothers they were married and living on their own. I became an aunt at five years old. My nephews and nieces were more like siblings than were my brothers. I grew up with them and they were often around. When my oldest nephew, Jim, was killed in January of 1996, I was devastated because we were best friends. Jim had many problems, but his attitude toward me was always loving. My niece, Leigh, and I are very close even today. My nephew, Jeremy, is charged with caring for Mom and me now that James is gone. He and I have very good communication, though he stays so busy we rarely see one another.

Now that my brother, James, is dead and my brother, Melvin, has alienated himself from the family for years, I feel I have no siblings. I am glad that James seemed to accept me before he died. He would be proud of me for losing the weight I have since his death. He encouraged me to try to lose the weight. I promised James that I would take care of Mom and I feel close to him at times when I am doing things for her.

I do remember while I was young the family went to Lake Allatoona and Lake Lanier together during the summers. James always had a boat and I would water-ski while he drove or we would ski together while Dad drove. Mom and Dad bought a boat from James and we would have more than one boat at the lake.

My family was very poor before I was born and James encouraged my parents to become more successful. He was always trying to do better than he had before and his success helped spur my Dad to try harder. James helped me whenever I had a bad time, but he was often verbally abusive of me. He always thought I could accomplish more than I did. He could not abide stupidity and would chide me when I made mistakes.

My brother, James, was always my hero. He took care of the family and was always strong in difficult situations. I miss him so much now. I sometimes wish I could turn to my brother, Melvin, but he is no longer family by his own choice. I could get in touch with him, but if he will have nothing to do with my Mom, I cannot be close to him. My Mom has done nothing to deserve his desertion.

I am so glad James was my brother. He was a wonderful sibling, always doing what an older brother should. We did not have sibling rivalry. We accepted that he was the oldest and depended on and I was the youngest and the baby of the family. Although I disappointed James often over the years, I finally made him proud before he died.

Always,
Jo Ann

Creative Journal – Entry Twenty-nine – Health

Monday, November 09, 2009

My health is relatively good. Of course having Schizoaffective Disorder disqualifies me from excellent health, but some people do not count mental health as part of health. The insurance companies use very different rules for physical and mental disorders. Physical disorders are covered by insurance no matter how long or severe they are, but mental disorders are constrained by limits on duration and severity. If I were physically disabled insurance would pay for anything I need, but since I have a mental disability some of my care is not covered. I cannot have counseling because it is not fully covered by my insurance. Of course, Medicare has limits that are even stricter than regular insurance. I must be careful that I do not overstep the coverage of Medicare and medically needy Medicaid.

My physical health is very good. I do have acid reflux, but Nexium controls that. I also have some pain in my left leg, but chiropractic treatment and a NSAID pain reliever make it bearable. I have lost twenty-five pounds since March so I am healthier than I was. I have gone from a size eighteen to a size fourteen in many clothes. I still need a size sixteen in some things that run small, but it is a definite improvement. I would still like to lose a bit more weight, but I am able to exert myself in ways that would not have been possible a few months ago. I exercise almost every day and that improves my health.

I should probably go to bed earlier to get the recommended eight hours of sleep required for optimum health, but that just is not something I am willing to do these days. I have gotten in a pattern of staying up later and I enjoy it. I feel that some enjoyment contributes to good health.

I am fortunate in that my Medicare and medically needy Medicaid pay for most of my healthcare. There is no way that I would get adequate care if these two programs did not exist. The medically needy Medicaid is particularly good because it helps pay the costs that Medicare does not cover. I would not be able to afford the medications that keep me functioning were it not for medically needy Medicaid. There are many people with problems similar to mine who do not have health coverage and are unable to afford medication and minimal care. Sometimes these people have severe problems because they are not treated. I am fortunate that I have qualified for these programs. I would not be healthy without proper care.

Because I am in relatively good health, I am able to care for my Mom whose health is quite poor. Her Parkinson’s disease is not severe, but along with her other health problems she is fairly ill. The numbness she has in her legs and feet make her stumble at times, and her balance is not very good. She has a number of conditions that must be regularly medicated and monitored by her doctors. I manage her healthcare and her medication. It takes a great deal of organization to stay abreast of all she needs. I am able to coordinate her care with minimal problems.

I hope I continue in good health. I take care that I am able to do what needs to be done.

May all of you live in good health.

Always,

Jo Ann

Creative Journal – Entry Twenty-eight – Money
Sunday, November 08, 2009

Money is something of which I wish I had more. There are so many good things that money can afford. I am fortunate to have the money I do, and I count that a blessing daily. However, more money would allow me to do things I cannot at present do. Most importantly, if I had more money I would pay off the debt I owe my mother. It would be so good not to have that hanging over my head. I am paying on the debt steadily, but with the little I can do, it is not disappearing very quickly. I should never have borrowed so much from my Mom, but without her help, I would not have many things I enjoy.

Even though my money is very limited, I have what I need, and some of what I want. I cannot do all the things I would like, but even so, I do not suffer. If I had more money I would be tempted to move into my own place and that would not be good for my Mom. She needs me with her 24/7. At least, I would be able to take a vacation if I had more money. That would be a wonderful thing, just to get away and see somewhere different for a few days. If I had more money, I would not worry so much over every cent I spend. I could relax a little when I go out to shop. Maybe not everything I bought would have to be on sale. Although, even had I lots of money I think I would be a bargain shopper. I like the thrill of saving money and getting things for a fraction of what they were supposed to cost.

Since I went through Financial Peace University last year, I have been able to use my money more wisely. I earn $790.00 a month. I give $300.00 to my Mom to help pay expenses and pay down my debt. I am trying to save $50.00 to $100.00 a month. My bill for internet and phone is around $75.00 and my MSN service is $9.95. My prescriptions are $35.00 to $40.00 a month. That leaves only a small amount of money to spend on groceries, necessities, and things I want. This month I had to pay $111.00 in insurance for my Buick. Therefore, I must be very careful of what I spend this month. Last month I finished with $4.00 in my wallet and $0.29 in my checking account. That was a good month because I saved $100.00. I am hoping to get my teeth cleaned at the clinic this month and that will be $50.00. When it is all written out like that, it is amazing I am able to make do with the amount of money my Social Security Disability provides. The money I save is my emergency fund and I periodically have to use it for things that are beyond the normal expenses I incur. Before Financial Peace University, I did not save any money and I did not give Mom as much toward my debt. I am trying to be more responsible now. It is an extreme balancing act to live within my means. I hope one day I have more money, but because of this time in my life, I will be better able to use extra money wisely.

I am happy that I have any money of my own. Since 1997, my Social Security Disability has provided for me and for Alex until he entered the Marine Corps. I do not know what we would have done without the money. I still rely on it. I know it is a wonderful blessing.

Money is an extremely good thing as long as it is used with care.

Always,
Jo Ann

Creative Journal – Entry Twenty-seven – Words

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Words are an endless treasure. I am entranced by the ideas that words communicate. From face to face communication to the knowledge I gain from books, I am fascinated by words. There are simple words that describe things then there are complex words that add meaning to concepts. I write, and my words become real on the page. I can go back and learn exactly what I was thinking in the past. My words are a snapshot of who I am at a certain moment in time. Words can describe things in detail and transmit an image from one person to another. Words are magical, bringing the imagination of the past and future into the present. I read and I am carried away on a stream of words.

Words describe and make things clear. Those who are blessed with a way with words can move people to think and act in ways that would not have occurred to them without the communication. Human beings are blessed with the gift of language, which is ours alone. Our use of words sets us apart from the animals. Our highest ideals are transmitted through our words. We gain understanding of one another through our use of words. Much can be learned about a person simply through his/her words.

We can learn from the great minds of the past through the words they left behind. Poets and prophets have left their words for us to ponder. The world that existed long before our times is described by the authors of the past. Words are a legacy reaching out to influence the present. Words can help us learn about ourselves and grow into better people.

To watch a baby acquire words and begin to communicate is amazing. Words make a creature only centered in itself move beyond itself and become a person. The acquisition of words makes the young mind grow and develop. Thought is connected to word and word allows communication. Thus, whole worlds open to a child… words are the key.

Words are a way of living for me. So much of what I have learned has been transmitted to me via the words in books. I communicate with the wider world through the words I set down. I do not even know the extent of the good my words may do, for I set them free to roam the world. Words are strong and have power to effect change. I hope that my words may influence people for good. I try to use words in a positive way to build up others. Words are wonderful and I am so glad I am able to use them.

Always,
Jo Ann

Creative Journal – Entry Twenty-six – Power

Friday, November 06, 2009

My power is very limited. I am responsible for myself and for helping my Mom. I have some power over Hope, but I do not think she actually thinks of me as the pack leader. She believes she can do as she desires. I no longer have any power over Alex. He still asks me to do things for him on occasion, but he does not always heed my advice. He has power over his own life within the confines of the Marine Corps. He cannot do everything as he pleases.

I do have power over my finances, but there is not much money to manage. I have to be very careful to avoid running out of money every month. I really do not mind being constrained financially, it has taught me to appreciate what I have more than I did in the past. Gratitude gives me power to be satisfied with my life. I have the power to choose my attitude every day, and most often, I choose to be happy. There are things that disturb my sense of peace, but I have the power to change my feelings. I have power over my own mind. No one else can dictate my thoughts. I have the power to write creatively and do artistic things. No one else has my ideas and that gives me some power.

I have power over what goes on here when my Mom is away. I am left in charge of everything here including all three of our dogs. Because I do most of the chores here, I have some power over what goes on here.

Power is not something that interests me much. I do not desire power over others. I am only concerned about having power over myself. As long as I am able to take care of myself, I will feel empowered.

Always,
Jo Ann

I am thankful…

1.     I was able to save some money the last two months.

2.    I saw that Wal-Mart had over-charged Mom and I for our Diet Cokes and we went and got a refund.

3.    I found the PAD Chapbook Challenge.

4.    The DIRECTV technician fixed the problem with our system. A frayed cable can cause many problems.

5.    Mom has stayed home this week.

6.    Ko-Ko's surgery went well and she is more herself this morning.

7.    I am writing every day.

8.    I have read many books lately and that I found an Anne Rice novel at the library Tuesday.

9.    My printer is working.

10.  Jeremy is going to let Mom buy another storage building.

11.  Alex emailed me yesterday.

12.  Our electric bill is a lot lower than it was during the summer.

Creative Journal – Entry Twenty-five – Late

Thursday, November 05, 2009

I am late getting this entry done, because I have been procrastinating about it all day. I have not felt my best today, but really, that is no excuse for putting this off. I was up at 7:00 this morning because we had to take Ko-Ko to the vet to be spayed. She had to be dropped off between 8:00am and 9:00am. She became six months old on the first and the vet recommended the procedure be done near that time. Once we had her settled at the vet, we went to IHOP for breakfast. Mom bought mine and it was very good. I had chocolate chip pancakes with my breakfast combo. We went to Sam’s Club to pick up our medication. Mom bought some pizzas, apples, and sock animals as well as her prescription. I paid for my four prescriptions. I had not expected all of them to be filled, but was thankful that they were. We went to Wal-Mart and got the money they overcharged us for Diet Cokes on Tuesday. They did not want to do the refund, but I was not leaving without our money. Then I picked up two packages of Northern. We came back home and I finished reading Angel Time by Anne Rice. This is an excellent book. The storytelling is fantastic. Anne Rice is one of my favorite authors and she did an outstanding job with this book. It is about a killer who becomes involved with angels. It is set in both the present and the thirteenth century. I highly recommend it. Jeremy called and we told him about the storage building we had found yesterday. He says he will go look at it Saturday and perhaps Mom will be able to buy it. We picked Ko-Ko up from the vet at about 4:30. She was very subdued. She grunted and lay still as we drove home. She spent the evening curled up in Mom’s lap mostly. She had not eaten today so I fixed some Moist & Meaty for her. This was a special treat. She ate it even though her mouth was tender because the vet removed two baby teeth that had not come out yet. I started a new book.

I thought I might skip writing an entry today because it was growing late, but I realized it would not be good to break my pattern of journaling every day. I want to stay up late anyway, even though I am a little tired. I probably would have slept late this morning had I not had to get up. Tomorrow I can sleep in because we have no plans for the day. I will try to write some more entries for the PAD Chapbook Challenge tomorrow. It is too late to do it today. I read the prompts and could think of nothing to write so I decided I could do it later. Later has turned into too late tonight. Procrastination and perfectionism will do that to a person. It makes one wait until it is too late to act.

I am rarely late for appointments, meetings, or things I must do, but if there is an option to leave something until later, I often take advantage of it. I meet deadlines, but often wait until the last available moment. Even so, being late is not my choice. My Mom instilled in me that being late is never right and I like to be right so I do things early or on time. Mom’s best friend, June, is always late and it is a major irritation to Mom. June is a wonderful person with many great qualities, but being late is a habit with her. I do not understand it, because I always endeavor to be on time or early. Mom has little patience for June being late, she complains of it to me almost every time it happens, but she will not say anything to June no matter how long she has to wait on her. Mom will not complain to her because she places such a high value on their friendship.

I see how much lateness bothers Mom and it makes me try even harder to be on time or early. It is of high value to Mom and I want to please her. It is almost a matter of honor with me never to be late. I hate it when we are at appointments early and then have to wait hours for the doctors who run late to show up. It seems that professionals would make a concerted effort to be on time. They charge if patients are late or do not show for appointments, but they can be late anytime and we can do nothing about it.

It is getting late and I must get this posted for today so I will leave my treatise at this.

Always,

Jo Ann

Attempting the Challenge

I take on the challenge,

But think myself handicapped

By insufficient inspiration.

No poems have burst forth

From my heart and mind

For over a year now.

Why should I suddenly

Be able to write a poem

Every day for a month?

I want to own a new lease

On my poetic life

With poems pouring out.

However, I am unsure

That I am capable

Of completing the task.

I must be resolute

And make my best effort:

Nothing is gained without struggle.

©  Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Creative Journal – Entry Twenty-four – Early

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

I do not like waking up early. I like to sleep late in the morning because that seems to be when I have the most vivid dreams. I often wake early anyway. It makes the days very long when I wake early because I usually stay up late. I do not like to go to bed early. Usually if I do try to go to sleep early, I just lie in bed awake, toss, and turn.

Mom likes to be early whenever she goes to an appointment, so I often sit and wait for periods of time. I always carry a book to read so I am not bored in the waiting room. Sometimes I carry my iPod too. I have always felt it was fine to be right on time for appointments. I am not enamored of being early. However, as usual I do what makes my Mom happy.

Being early is always better than being late. Unless something unexpected happens, I am not ever late. I do tend to procrastinate so I usually do not finish things early. I usually meet deadlines, but just barely.

Always,

Jo Ann

Monday afternoon, Mom's Homebound Buddies from the church came to visit her. Frances and Wendell visit once a month. They bring a bag of literature, tapes, bulletins, and various notices. They check to see if there is anything Mom needs desperately which there never is. I finished reading Day After Night by Anita Diamant. This was an excellent novel about Jewish concentration camp survivors confined in Israel when they tried to immigrate there. Their experiences were very realistic and the story was told well.

Tuesday was the third so my Social Security was deposited in the bank. Mom and I went to Wachovia and I drew out some money. I paid Mom for the month and paid on my debt. We went to State Farm and I paid the insurance on my Buick. We went to Cartridge World and traded my magenta cartridge that was malfunctioning for a new one. We went by the library, I returned books, and checked out some new ones. We went to Sam's Club and I bought It's Your Time by Joel Osteen. I have read all his books and find his writing very inspirational. We went to Wal-Mart where I bought Diet Cokes, Halloween dog toys that were half-price, Venus razors, and microwavable meals. We picked up a mouse for Mom's computer because Ko-Ko had gnawed the wires on her old mouse and it would not work. When we got home, I unloaded the truck while Hope ran around me. I walked Hope a mile because it became dark so early. I read and wrote a journal entry.

This morning I computed some and wrote three poems for the Poem a Day Chapbook Challenge. I am not content with the poems, but they are better than not trying at all. Mom and I went to a site that sells storage buildings. We found one she likes. I walked Hope two miles after we returned home.

That is all I have to report right now. I hope all of you are doing well.

Always,

Jo Ann

Creative Journal – Entry Twenty-three – Children

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Children are a blessing from God. They are undeserved gifts. Often they come to us unplanned. They are a grace come to us unmerited. A baby is a blank slate that parents write upon with their deeds and words. Children learn from us without reservation. They take in everything we do or fail to do. Their hearts and minds are imprinted with our love or lack thereof. They grow to mimic us in the way they live their lives. If we are kind and loving, their lives reflect it. Our care and concern shows in their treatment of others.

I tried to have a child for years, but did not become pregnant. I came to believe I could not have a child. Then unplanned I became pregnant. I knew when I found out I was carrying a child that I would not give it up. No matter how Richard pushed for an abortion, I was steadfast that I would have my child. I was afraid I might not have another chance at motherhood. When I learned my baby was a boy I was full of joy, although Richard had by then decided a girl would be okay, but he did not want a boy. I went to Lamaze classes and learned all I could about babies. I knew a lot already because there had always been little ones in the house as I grew up. My Mom babysat for extra money. When it was determined that I would need a c-section I was disappointed. The baby was too big for me to deliver naturally. I was afraid of the surgery, but I was glad the baby would come safely. I was very happy when Alex was delivered and I held him in my arms. He was beautiful and I was blessed. From the day I brought him home, my life revolved around him. I read to him and cherished him as if he were the most important person in the world. In fact, he was most important to me. As I watched him grow I marveled at the miracle of his life. Every day he developed a little more. He became his own person and I was elated. He learned new things and as he grew I thanked God for his intelligence and personality. Those days went quickly and soon years had gone by. He grew from a little boy who adored me, to a teenager who called me his friend, and then he became the adult who wants me to respect his freedom. It has been a wonderful journey through the years with Alex. I am so thankful I was blessed to share my life with this wonderful human being. He continually makes me proud.

I would like to share a poem I wrote for him…

Uncommon Grace

When I look upon your face

I see God’s outstanding grace

Embodied in you,

Given to me.

Oh what a blessing

To have a child like you,

Because there are few

Who do as you do.

Making me proud

Every step of the way,

By the actions you take

Every single day.

You are a true gift from God

So precious and dear,

Who grows in worth

From year to year.

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

I wish that every person who has a child would receive him or her as a gift. Every child should grow up surrounded by love. It does not matter so much what a child has materially, the important thing is being cherished. Children grow to love and respect others as they are loved and respected. May the Lord be with all children born.

Always,

Jo Ann

Creative Journal – Entry Twenty-two – Loss

Monday, November 02, 2009

I am well acquainted with loss. I lost my dog, Peppy, because she was run over when I was a child. This was the first death that really affected me. I did not deal with it well. I loved my Miniature Doberman Pinscher very much. She was my first dog and she meant so much to me. I lost various Aunts, but their deaths meant little because I did not know them well.

My best friend, Reba, moved away while we were children. Although she did not move far it was long distance and we could not stay in contact very often. This was a great loss. She was so close to me that we called each other sister and we were practically inseparable before she moved. I missed her terribly. No one could replace her. I lost my dog, Schatzi, a Dachshund who died of old age. He was given to me by my Aunt Essie, and was a special dog.

I married when I was sixteen and divorced by eighteen. My husband was abusive, but even so, I felt the marriage was a great loss. Marriage was supposed to be forever and I felt awful when we divorced. That was in 1981, the same year I graduated high school. I lost more that year because I had the first of my mental breakdowns. I was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic. My life was never to be the same. I could not simply bounce back. I was on horrible medicines that caused me terrible side effects, like weight gain. I tried to get SSDI, but could not.

When I was off the meds and doing well I tried to enlist in the Army. I passed the tests and was near being accepted. One day as I exercised one of my knees made a sound like a gun going off. I balled up on the floor and cried because I was in so much pain. The injury kept me from going in the Army, which was the loss of a dream. I had another breakdown.

I held several jobs. I never liked any of them much, but was happy to be making money. I had many boyfriends, but none of them wanted to move to a committed relationship. Then I met Richard and he asked me to move to Chattanooga to live with him. I moved and we lived together for some time. Our relationship had trouble when I became pregnant and he did not want a baby. He pushed me to have an abortion, but I would not, and finally we got married. Alex was born in May of 1988 and Richard became increasingly unhappy. Before the two years of our trial marriage were up we got a divorce and I felt adrift in time. It was a terrible loss.

I moved home with my parents. I had another breakdown. I was on medication a while, then I went off it and went to work. I became the manager of a convenience store. I met Jeff there. He and I got married in 1992 and had a wonderful time. I had a breakdown in 1993 because I was working ninety hours a week. I lost my job, which was an awful loss for me. I loved that job.

My nephew, Jim, was killed in an auto accident in 1996. He and I were very close and it was devastating to lose him. Ten days later, my father died of a ruptured aneurysm in his aorta. I was sad that my Dad had died, even though it freed me of his attentions. Jeff and I began having some problems. Our finances were a mess and we could not straighten them out. We separated and then divorced in early 1997. This loss nearly killed me. By the time we divorced, I had another crisis mentally. Jeff took my Alaskan Malamute, Keiko, and gave her away. This loss hurt me because I was very attached to the dog.

I applied for SSDI and was approved after months of begging for my benefits. This meant I could somewhat take care of Alex and myself. We moved in with my mother. Alex and I were comfortable there. I stayed in touch with Jeff and in 1999, Alex and I moved back in with him. I became pregnant with twins, but lost them in 2000 because of twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome. This was a devastating loss. A month later, I did something I was forbidden to do and Jeff kicked me out of the house. I tried to kill myself and was hospitalized. When I was released Alex and I moved back in with my Mom. Because Jeff put all our stuff out on his carport and I did not get to pick it up we lost almost everything we owned.

My brother, James, became sick with lung cancer in 2003. My other brother, Melvin, found out about the abuse my father had done and stopped being family because he blamed my mother for my father’s transgressions. In 2005, I became manic, made some serious mistakes and had to file bankruptcy. I was hospitalized for a couple of weeks and then participated in an outpatient psych program.

Alex went into the Marine Corps in June of 2006. It was a loss having him leave. In September, I bought Hope. She helped fill the void Alex left.

My brother became increasingly ill. In March of 2009, James died of cancer. I hope his death is my last loss for some time. I could use a break.

Always,

Jo Ann

Creative Journal – Entry Twenty-one – Danger

Sunday, November 01, 2009

I do not like to think of danger, but it is present in my life at times. Whenever I drive into town there seems to be a driver who is not thinking and nearly causes a wreck with me. If I did not pay attention and react quickly, I would be involved in an accident. My Mom does not want me to go to parks to walk Hope because she is afraid I might be in danger from a stranger that meant me harm. I am not afraid anyone would bother me, but I respect her concern for me and do not go out where Mom would worry over me. This fear of danger in my Mom keeps me home much of the time. I would love to get out in the parks and walk Hope. I would enjoy the scenery and the change of location.

I must be careful to get sufficient sleep because if I do not it puts me in danger of having a breakdown. The balance in my life is fragile. There is danger involved when I forget to take my medicine, because missing a dose could cause hallucinations or confused thoughts. I am conscientious about taking my medicine on time. I have a system so that I very rarely miss a dose.

I like to think I am safe here, but I must be aware when I am outside because there is a danger of being attacked by wild animals. We live off the highway, quite distant from our nearest neighbors. I always lock our doors in the house and on our vehicles so that there is no danger of an intruder.

Mom is on twenty-three medications daily and some more than one dose. If I did not carefully set up containers to dispense her medicine properly, she could be in danger. Many of her conditions are serious and missing medicine or taking too much could put her at risk. I must accompany Mom when she is outside or be aware of her location and check on her because there is a danger of her having a small stroke or stumbling and falling.

Alex being in the Marine Corps puts him in positions where there may be danger. I place him in the hands of God and do not worry about his situation very much. I trust that God can protect him from danger. It has been difficult to release Alex to God’s care because I am his Mom and feel responsible for his safety. I had to realize I could not keep him from danger in his chosen circumstances. He is an adult and must make his own decisions. He is happy being a Marine and I must try to be happy for him. He talks of going into a more dangerous specialty and I must attempt to support him. I must try to hide my fear of him being in danger. God goes with him.

Always,

Jo Ann

Creative Journal – Entry Twenty – Cravings

Saturday, October 31, 2009

I crave knowledge, for this reason I read avidly. I read all different types of books to gain understanding of humanity and the world I live in. I crave wisdom so I read the Bible and listen closely to my elders. I crave inspiration so I read books that encourage me to create. I especially like books with prompts or questions, these often give me ideas about which to write. I crave peace, so I try to live in harmony with others. I do not purposely agitate others, but try always to be kind. I crave honesty, so I am honest with those with whom I connect. I crave simplicity; I do not complicate my life. I crave balance between the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual facets of my life. I devote time to these parts of myself daily. I crave comfort, so I try to avoid things that upset me. I try to live in a relaxed state of mind.

I crave chocolate, but I do not give in to the craving daily as that would cause weight gain and I crave weight loss. I try to substitute fruits for this overwhelming craving, but sometimes I break down, give in, and eat chocolate. It is delicious and nothing else can fill me when I crave it desperately.

I crave beauty so I often buy things I find attractive. I collect all kinds of beautiful things and things used to create beauty. My collections include blank books, ink pens, clothes, CDs, bookmarks, jewelry, canvas, paints, brushes, colored pencils, gel pens, paper, rubber stamps, beads, findings, scrapbooks, writing books, art books, software, cameras, and all manner of other beautiful things.

I crave friendship so I try to be a good friend. I give encouragement to people with whom I am acquainted. I give gifts to those for whom I care. I share my time and talents with those who I wish to become my friends. I am kind and generous.

I crave understanding so I am honest and open with people. I do not hide behind a façade. I am real.

I crave companionship with Hope. I make an effort to bond with her through exercise, discipline, and affection.

I crave a lasting relationship with a man, but this is not my destiny at this time in my life so I am content with being single. I love myself enough to realize I am complete without a man in my life.

I crave more time, but since this is not possible, I attempt to live every moment to its fullest potential. I fill my time with worthwhile pursuits and try not to waste a moment that is given to me. I try to fill my life with love, by caring for those I meet.

I crave success, so I work at making the most of my gifts and talents. I always try to develop and refine my skills in ways that will appeal to others. I challenge myself to do my best.

Always,

Jo Ann

Creative Journal – Entry Nineteen – “Enough”

Friday, October 30, 2009

Other than money, I have enough or almost everything. It would be nice to have more money, enough to pay off my debt to my Mom. If I had enough money I could have regular dental appointments and buy contacts more often than once every five years for contacts that are only designed to last a year.

I have enough clothes, although if I continue losing weight I may need some smaller clothes. I will try to wear what I have as long as I can. I am fortunate to have enough food every day. I do not have to go without meals. I have more than enough books, but I still like to buy a new one occasionally. Books are something to which I am addicted. I have more than enough ink pens. I have been collecting pens for years. I love beautiful stylish pens. I have more than enough blank books. I collect journals and sketch books. I rarely use any of these books so they take up space on the shelves in my room. I have enough greeting cards and blank note cards to open a shop. I collect these too, and I do not send as many cards as I once did. I did not get enough response from sending cards to encourage me to continue. I have enough rubber stamps. There is a long tote full of them under my bed. I rarely use them because I do not have enough room to get them out from storage. I have enough CD’s, but occasionally I like to add to my collection. I have almost forty gigabytes of music on my iPod, all copied from CDs.

I do not have enough patience. I can get irritated when things do not go as I would like. I would love to develop enough patience. I need more control over my voice. Sometimes when I do not mean any harm, my mother says I am yelling at her. I need enough awareness to modulate my volume before I upset my Mom. She has had enough of my yelling at her and is threatening to stop letting me do anything for her. I do not mean to yell, I love her enough I never want to yell at her. Her reaction is enough to upset me a great deal.

I wish I had enough time to do all the reading I would like to do. I lack enough time to write as much as I would like. I do not have enough inspiration to write very creatively. I do not have enough dedication to accomplish all I would like with my writing. I am afraid to submit my writing for publication because I do not think it is good enough to convince someone to publish it.

I do not have enough self-confidence and self-esteem. I have tried to develop these qualities, but I have enough unpleasantness in my past to undermine my efforts. I do not have enough friends, because I am afraid to approach new people. I do not feel comfortable around strangers.

I have enough love to share with my friends and family. I try to give enough encouragement to others that it makes a difference in their lives.

I think I have written enough for now.

Always,

Jo Ann

Creative Journal – Entry Eighteen – Desires

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Desires lead me to dissatisfaction, so I do not often reflect on them. Desires cause temptation and usually that is not a good thing.

I desire enough money to pay off my debts and have a bit left over to do things I would enjoy. I desire a man in my life that would be willing to see past my disability. I would like him to be able to care for my Mom and understand that I cannot leave her. I desire inspiration to come to me so that I can write more creatively. I desire more patience so I am better able to relate to others. I desire understanding from others so that we do not argue. I desire more sunny days so Hope and I can walk. I desire the ability to read faster so I can complete more books. I desire better typing skills so that I can type faster with fewer mistakes. I desire safety for Alex. I desire more time with my friend Reba, not just phone time, but in person. I desire more space for all my things so there is not so much clutter. I desire years to share with my Mom because I love her dearly. I desire a closer relationship with God. I desire to lose more weight so that I am healthier. I desire someone to mow the yard so I do not have to work so hard at doing it. I desire a real vacation where I can get away from all my responsibilities for a few days, which I have not done in over ten years. I desire more time for writing, reading, drawing, painting, computing, photography, and crafting. I desire a more outgoing personality so that I make friends more easily. I desire more close friends. I desire getting out of the house for enjoyment more often. I desire more courage and confidence. I desire the money for contacts and dental appointments. I desire more compassion and empathy so I relate to others in kinder ways. I desire more understanding so I am friendlier. I desire a more loving disposition. I desire a stronger character. I desire more beauty in my life to lift my spirits. I desire some work be done on my Buick to fix its air conditioner and some other minor problems. I desire the ability to explain things more clearly for better communication. I desire to learn better culinary skills. I desire to be less a perfectionist. I desire more self-esteem. I desire more clarity of mind. I desire more awareness of the volume of my voice so I do not speak loudly. I desire a better attitude toward challenges and change. I desire more problem solving skills. I desire more education. I desire the discipline to stick with a project until I finish it. I desire more honesty from others and myself. I desire less fear of failure. I desire more tolerance of mistakes. I desire to meet some of friends from online. I desire peace and tranquility in my daily life. I desire an iPod that works better. I desire less pain in my neck, back, and legs. I desire more energy. I desire the ability to fulfill my desires.

Always,

Jo Ann

1.     I am thankful Alex sent me an email Tuesday.

2.    I am thankful Mom is enjoying her time away with June.

3.    I am thankful the weather was nice so that Hope and I were able to walk today.

4.    I am thankful a new ink cartridge seems to have fixed my printer's problem.

5.    I am thankful I checked out several interesting books from the library yesterday.

6.    I am thankful we have a Kirby vacuum cleaner.

7.    I am thankful the electricity has not gone out during the storms we have had.

8.    I am thankful I have an iPod.

9.    I am thankful Richard and I talked today, and he had a good birthday.

10.  I am thankful I have started posting journal entries to my blog.

Mom got home last Thursday at about 2:00pm. I was very glad to see her. We talked about Ko-Ko having mats in her coat and decided to see if we could get an appointment with the groomer. I called the groomer and she said she could take her Friday morning at 11:00am.

Friday morning we took Ko-Ko to Pet Set to have her cut. We went to Sam's while we were in town and picked up a few things. I bought Barbara Streisand's CD Love Is The Answer and Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffenegger. I probably will not read this book for a while because I have many good new library books to read. We drove home because we had perishable foods. We put the food away and I computed some. I called the groomer to see if Ko-Ko was ready and she was. We drove back to town and picked Ko-Ko up. Mom almost did not recognize her because she looked so different sheared. We went home and relaxed the rest of the day.

On Sunday, I took pictures of Ko-Ko with her new haircut and tried to print them. One of my ink cartridges was malfunctioning so I could not print. Mom left with June at 5:00pm to go to Lil's house and stay for some days. I was happy to have the house to myself again.

I read, computed, walked Hope and just enjoyed the solitude Monday. Jeremy came by with hooks and eyes to go on the pump house door. He and I talked a while. He told me to tell Mom that she could go look for a storage building. He went out and looked in the one we have and said we could get rid of a lot of the stuff in it, particularly my books. I did not agree.

Tuesday, I tried to get some of my other blogs and my group on Multiply up to speed. My group transferred from MSN Groups and it has been a mess ever since. I wanted to see if I could make it better. I accomplished little and I got another ID on Multiply because the one that was made when the group transferred is a mess. I cannot remember it because it is wrong. I did some reading and made smoothies. I emailed Alex and he responded. I was so glad to hear from him. He has decided to try to get into the equivalent of JAG in the Marine Corps when he comes home. I hope he can make this transfer of occupations. He still thinks he is coming home in November. I am looking forward to it, but am not getting my hopes too high.

This morning I woke a little later than I have been at 7:40. I ate a Moon Pie and started working on the Multiply group site and my two Multiply IDs. I changed the email addresses around on the IDs and I was finally able to figure out how to put the logo for Original Creations back on the welcome page. I went to the chiropractor. While there, I realized I had left Ko-Ko out of the crate loose in the house. This worried me so I rushed to Cartridge World and got a new cartridge for my printer. I went from there to the library and returned several books. I also picked up some new books. Because I went in the Buick, I had to get gas at Texaco. Unfortunately, the gas gage on my Buick does not work so I have to be very careful to keep it filled up. It only took 6.85 gallons so I could have waited, but now there is peace about it for a while. When I came home, I found Ko-Ko was fine and had not destroyed anything in the house.

I have read several books since I reported on what I was reading. I have been adding them on Goodreads.com and just have not mentioned them here. Breaking the Rules by Barbara Taylor Bradford was a very good book. It was centered on the fashion industry and the lives of a family. The Year of the Flood by Margaret Atwood was an end of the world as we know it tale with very good characterization and an interesting plot. I enjoyed it. Homer & Langley by E. L. Doctorow was the tale of two brothers based on real life. It was at times sad and then hilarious. I loved it. Intervention by Robin Cook was extremely interesting. It made me ask my chiropractor today if there were many incidents of injury due to chiropractic adjustment. It was a wide-ranging tale and I greatly enjoyed it. Losing It by Valerie Bertinelli was the story of her life as she maintains her weight loss. It was inspiring.

I am journaling every day. It is a joy to be writing again.

Well that is about all for now. I hope everyone is doing well.

Always,

Jo Ann

Creative Journal – Entry Seventeen – Values

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

I shop for good values, mostly buying what is on sale to save a bit of money. J

Values dictate the way I live. I do my best to live up to high standards. I believe in honesty and integrity and try to live within the confines of these values. I believe in treating others as I want to be treated and think of this whenever I interact with people. I value love and respect for all people. I do not believe in being narrow minded and judgmental. I believe in taking good care of my elders, after all they took care of me. I believe in giving children lavish amounts of love. I believe in the dignity of all people, creatures, and living things. All sentient beings deserve to be treated well and with kindness. I am patriotic and love my country. I believe the United States is the best country in which to live. Sure, there are problems here as anywhere. However, nowhere else do people enjoy the freedoms we as a nation enjoy. I believe government by the people, for the people, is the basis of our country’s greatness. I believe in God and that I should try to do things that are pleasing to Him, not out of fear of punishment, but out of overwhelming love. I value my friends and loved ones because they are dear to me and I want the best for them. I value marriage as a sacred trust between two people who wish to spend what remains of their lives together.

I value creativity as a form of expression and interaction with the world. Everything is enhanced when dealt with creatively. I value writing as an artful form of communication. I believe all people should be educated to read and write so they can deal with the world intelligently and gather knowledge. I believe books are very important and should be protected because they impart knowledge to those who read them. I value artistic endeavors because they express the heart of a person. I believe everyone has creative gifts and that the expression of these gifts makes our world a better place in which to live. I value teachers for the gift of education that they share. I believe teachers should be revered because without them all of us would suffer great loss. I believe that art and music should be accessible to everyone because they soothe the soul. I believe that hard work should be rewarded in all types of pursuits. Whatever work I do I always attempt to make the best of it. I value good service and good attitude, because it is so easy to fall into complacency and do a poor job.

Life has value and should be treasured. All lives are worth protecting. No matter a person’s station in life, he or she is valuable.

Always,

Jo Ann

Creative Journal – Entry Sixteen – Death

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Every moment rushing by ushers me nearer my certain death. I do not fear the ending of my life here on earth, for I am assured a place in Heaven afterward. Yet, I do not wish to leave those who are dear to me behind. I try to be careful so that I may prolong my life on this plane of existence. Death is not something I would choose at this time. I want to live and enjoy the happiness of life.

I have faced death many times. We are close acquaintances, but we are not friends. Most recently I watched as day-by-day death crept closer to my brother, James. Because of his dire sufferings, I counted his death a blessing, for I could not continue watching him slip further away from his vital life. My brother was an active man always doing something, going somewhere. Being reduced to daily pain was no life for such a man. Death finally claimed him by way of cancer, a terrible wasting away.

My nephew, Jim, was taken too soon by death in an auto accident. He was only twenty-six in January 1996 when he was killed. It was a blow to the whole family. Jim was greatly beloved. It seems his death was too much for my Dad to bear, for within ten days he also died. An aneurysm in his aorta burst and caused his death. Death freed me of my father, but I felt great pity for my mother and brother. I did not take the two deaths so quickly well; I slipped away from reality and had a breakdown.

My next encounter with death was when I lost my twins in 2000. That was a horrible blow and made me even more aware how fragile life is.

Death has taught me to treasure life and live it more fully. I do not miss any opportunity to tell those who are dear to me that I love them. I make an effort to show my love any way I can. Life is brief and any time could be the last I share with a loved one. I do not take the days and moments for granted. I try to maximize the value of each second. I live always with the presence of death one step behind. I pray to God that He will spare me any more deaths of dear ones for some long time.

My Mom is eighty and her health is not good so I worry death may call and claim her any time, but I hope it is not so. She is very dear to me and I am loath to lose her. With Alex in Iraq, I am concerned for his safety. These two people mean the world to me and I do not know how I would go on without either of them. May death stay far from us all.

Always,

Jo Ann

Creative Journal – Entry Fifteen – Purpose

Monday, October 26, 2009

I have a purpose. I know I do, I just do not know what it is. J

One purpose I have is taking care of my Mom. I have been doing this for years, but now that James is gone, I have more responsibility. I promised James I would take good care of Mom and that is a sacred promise I must keep.

I have the purpose of being a loving mother to Alex. My role is changing as he moves closer to his girlfriend and further from me, but I must still be a supportive of him. It is difficult allowing his freedom without complaining about his lack of communication, but I must try not to feel abandoned.

I have the purpose of caring for Hope who is such a pleasure to me. I try to give her proper exercise and keep her happy. I also do a good bit of care for Penny and Ko-Ko, who are Mom’s puppy dogs. I have to give Penny medicine three times daily because she has congestive heart failure. She is eleven years old and requires extra care.

It is my purpose to try to show love to others in the world. I try to smile and be considerate of people I meet. I give encouragement to whomever I can. I am a good friend to those who are my friends.

Another of my purposes is to use my creativity in ways that might one day mean something. I try to improve my writing so that I can communicate more efficiently. I pursue artistic endeavors and attempt to improve my skills. I make an effort to bring beauty into the world. I share my gifts and talents that others may find pleasure in them.

Purpose is a word loaded with weight and meaning. Everything I do has purpose, but some things are less important than others are. I try to live my life to fulfill the purpose of showing care for people, creatures, and things in the world. It seems to me that the highest purpose is to live in loving harmony with everyone and everything. If I fulfill this purpose, my life has not been wasted even should I not achieve worldly success.

Always,

Jo Ann

Creative Journal – Entry Fourteen – Confidence

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Confidence gives me the strength to do things I once thought impossible. I do not have very much self-confidence at times. People can intimidate me easily. I work toward being more confident regularly. I have found believing in myself often depends on my feelings about myself. If I feel good, I am more likely to exhibit self-confidence. My physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being influence my level of confidence. It is truly an integrated quality. If any one of these parts of my make-up is malfunctioning my self-confidence suffers. Doubt, feelings of guilt, or shame can seriously undermine my self-confidence.

My confidence is fragile and somewhat dependent on the opinions of others. If someone reacts toward me in a negative way, I often lose confidence. I try to project a good self-image, but I am in reality weak in this regard. I often feel insignificant, less than intelligent, unattractive, unlovable, mentally and emotionally unstable. A look or tone of voice can shatter my self-confidence.

My mother left with her best friend, June, again this afternoon. I called to be sure that they had reached their destination safely. Mom hurried off the phone and I wonder if she is mad at me for some reason. If I were as confident as I should be, I would not worry; I would simply think she is busy with her friends. She might have been watching one of her favorite television shows, but my first thought was that she is angry with me. I will not feel at peace until I hear from her again. I frequently experience this lack of confidence. I am often afraid I have done or said the wrong thing. Even with Mom who I know loves me very much I can become unconfident. She has the power to totally wreck my self-esteem. I know she means me no harm, but her perceived displeasure still frightens me.

I think the lack of confidence keeps me from achieving some of my dreams. I realize I am gifted, but do not see myself as talented enough to become what I wish. I am terribly afraid of making mistakes that will make others think badly of me. I know this limits me, but my perfectionism keeps me from accomplishing much of what I hope to do. By not putting my work out for review, I protect myself from rejection. I am attempting to overcome these obstacles to my success, but it is extremely difficult.

I have achieved a few worthy things in my life, but they do not seem to relate to accomplishing my dreams. Raising a son who is responsible and caring is wonderful, but I do not feel I had much to do with how he turned out. I think he is just a great person in and of himself. I published a magazine, but I never made much money from it. Original Creations was a labor of love and I could not continue it as I desired. I have sold some of my cards, but only to friends, so I do not feel they were a success. My poetry has been read on special occasions at church, but only because it related to the situation. I long to be recognized and appreciated.

I hope I can build my confidence and become a successful person.

Always,

Jo Ann